I’m more than excited about the upcoming football season. During the spring and summer, when football has left me, I feel a void in my heart that can’t be filled. It’s as if a lover has gone missing from my life. A big sweat-covered lover who can blitz, and drop into pass coverage. In welcoming football back into my life, into all of our lives, I will breakdown the season to be by taking a page from The Nails “88 Lines About 44 Women” (you can remember the song at this link), and write of each team in such a manner. This is a daunting task, as I am notorious longwinded, but I’m up to the challenge.

NFC North
4.) Chicago: They can run and play defense, but something isn’t right. Is Jay Cutler the next Jeff George?
3.) Detroit: Much better than last year, but will be a loser nonetheless. However, the Lions will fight in this season to the bitter end.
2.) Minnesota: Brett Favre has acted like a teenage girl, and I’m afraid of girls like that. They win their first three games, then crash and burn in the snow.
1.) Green Bay: The 3-4 defense has looked dazzling in exhibition. Keep your peepers on Aaron Rogers as an MVP candidate.

NFC South
4.) Tampa Bay: My cousin is a Bucs fan. He loves misery.
3.) Carolina: I don’t care for the new, simplistic defense. The injuries always seem to mount on this team.
2.) Atlanta: Could be a surprise contender. The birds will push New Orleans ‘til Christmas.
1.) New Orleans: Sean Payton has no fear, and he will call plays with a “Devil may care” mindset. Drew Brees will shine like a star once again.

NFC East
4.) Washington: No cohesion. No play-offs.
3.) Dallas: Read the Washington lines again. You know it be true.
2.) New York Giants: Eli Manning is playing with a smooth confidence. Fewer distractions make this team a Super Bowl challenger once again.
1.) Philadelphia: I like the team speed. But, can Andy Reid pull it together when it matters?

NFC West
4.) Seattle: Name one player on this team that strikes fear in the heart of the opposition. I couldn’t name one either.
3.) Arizona: The sand birds have receivers and little else.  The QB situation looks sad.
2.) St. Louis: The Rams won’t win a thing until Halloween, but then they will scare the “Hell” out of the NFL. I think this coaching staff will be under the arch for years to come.
1.) San Francisco: Mike Singletary has the gift of gab. He rallies his troops to a first place finish with moxy and a mean tongue.

AFC North
4.) Cleveland: I like the special teams. Um, that is it.
3.) Cincinnati: Profound players aplenty, but the offensive line has questions. Carson Palmer can’t get the ball to his receivers on his back.
2.) Baltimore: A good squad, but not great. Will Ray Lewis start to show his age?
1.) Pittsburgh: The blitz comes in waves, and so will the wins. They start weak and finish strong.

AFC South
4.) Jacksonville: More and more, head coach Jack Del Rio looks like Ahab. This year he drowns hunting his white whale.
3.) Tennessee: This unit feels like it’s hurting for a heartbreak year, like teenage boy on a Saturday night. A once delicious defense now looks vapid.
2.) Houston: Matt Schaub goes to the Pro Bowl again. The Texans play in January for the first time ever.
1.) Indianapolis: This team goes 12-4, riding the best chemistry in the NFL. Peyton Manning has a geographic offense and will throw to all the corners of his globe.

AFC East

4.) Buffalo: Playing for the number one draft pick. This is lost time before the first snap is taken.
3.) Miami: This team has more than the “wild cat”. This defense could make a nun nervous.
2.) NY Jets: I like the attitude, but not much else. Once again the Jets are in a year of growth.
1.) New England: Men behave badly when they have something to prove. This fall, Tom Brady will be one bad man.

AFC West
4.) Oakland: This team is as complicated as a French film. They could be second place and still have a losing season in this division.
3.) Kansas City: I’m tempted to put them at the two spot. They could surprise.
2.) Denver: A few pieces here, a few pieces there. Let’s see if they can piece it together.
1.) San Diego: The time is now. The Bolts must win, or whispers of breaking-up the roster will be heard.

Play-Offs
NFC (in no honest order).

New York
New Orleans
Green Bay
San Francisco
Philadelphia
Atlanta

NFC Title Game: Green Bay vs. New Orleans

AFC (in no real order).
San Diego
New England
Indianapolis
Pittsburgh
Houston
NY Jets

AFC Title Game: Indianapolis vs. New England

Super Bowl: New England over Green Bay

Welcome back, football. Welcome back, my baby.

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Timothy Braun is a writer living in Austin, TX. He has been awarded residencies at the MacDowell Colony, HERE Arts Center, Edward Albee Foundation, and a Warhol Fellowship at the Santa Fe Art Institute. He is a frequent contributor to the Austin Chronicle, culturebot.org, and is the founder of Federal Prisoner 30664. He holds an MFA from Columbia University’s School of the Arts and is a Cultural Studies professor at St. Edward’s University. Learn more at timothybraun.com.

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